Sunday, April 28, 2013
I firmly believe that the first step in solving any problem is finding the cause to the problem. Oh, you might need to put some band-aides in place to stop the bleeding from the problem, but the problem isn't going to go away until you get to the root cause of it.
So, why do I become not-me? Well, people who know me rather well have a few theories:
"Maybe it's because you're always being submissive. You should take control more often."
Supporting evidence: I'm in a Dom/sub relationship, with a Dom. On camera, my aim is to please the customer, and since I'm not a mind-reader and SUCK at reading cues, this puts me in more of a submissive role more often. Among my friends, I'm really self-conscious and try really hard to please still, so submissive. There really isn't much in my life that I have complete control over.
Solution: Write more stories with me as dominant? Do more gold shows on Streamate?
Problems with the idea: The not-me episodes don't seem to correspond with my "I want to dominate!" moments. The "I want to dominate!" moments are rather fleeting, and really do subside once I do the domination fantasy writing.
Problems with the solutions: I tried writing domination fantasy this past week. My mind doesn't want to come up with any fantasy at all. When it does, I find I'm more interested in fantasizing myself being beaten and cut-up. Except, my conscious doesn't want that, so I'm suppressing my fantasies. Could that be part of the problem?
Gold shows don't work so well for me on a regular basis. I can't really sell them too well, and it feels awkward doing them for me. But, if a show for me is what I need to do, then it's what I need to do. So I guess I could try it.
"We know that when two people hang out together a lot, one of them starts acting more like the other. I'm a lot like this, you're around me all the time, and you've been getting like this more often and for longer."
Supporting Evidence: aside from what is already mentioned in the paraphrased quote, the thinking is more in line with how that friend does think.
Solutions: embrace it, learn to harness it and control it.
Problems with the idea: I don't know of any.
Problems with the solution: only that if this isn't a permanent sort of change, then it might be impossible to do.
"This could just be the real me, suppressed for years by a desire to interact with people."
Supporting Evidence: as far as I can remember, this really is how I was when I was little. I mean, before I hit puberty, and before I started actively trying to make friends because I was told that having friends is a good thing. And because my greatest wish when I was little was to be more normal. Plus, if I recall correctly, this is how I get when I'm tired, and also something that has been popping out since college. I used to call it my "tiger self".
Problems with the idea: The tiger self didn't quite feel the same.
"Or I could just be bipolar. I really don't want that to be the answer, but it is a possibility."
Supporting Evidence: certain biological family members who had bipolar disorder.
Problems with the idea: none that I can see
Solutions: get help
Problems with the solution: It's really hard to find a therapist these days who isn't TRYING to find something wrong with you. When I was younger, the therapists would spend half of the sessions reassuring me that there is nothing wrong with me, that what was affecting my family had no hold on me. If I go to a therapist now, and tell her "I think I might be bipolar, but when I was little I was being watched for it and they never saw it in me, so I'm not sure. I'd like you to make an objective assessment." what will happen? If they say I'm not, I'll be reassured. But if they say I am, then I'll always have this doubt in the back of my mind that they're just trying to make a sale of whatever drug they then prescribe. I mean, I could also be very insistent on "NO DRUGS." but... hm...
Besides, I don't have manic/depressive anymore. That seems to have just been the hormones from my birth control, and that's definitely gone. And the manic/depressive bit is gone too. So... not bipolar. Maybe multiple personality disorder? But, even though my memory of how I felt and thought during the other personality is difficult to find, and the memory of what I did is kinda fuzzy, it's still there. I do kinda remember it. I'm aware that I change personalities, I don't wake up wondering where I am and who is that.
My partner wants me to maybe go with it, see if I can find a happy medium between the me and the not-me. Keep the parts of each that I like and control the parts that I don't like. I don't know if it's possible, but I'd like to think that it is.
I like the logical bit of the not-me. I don't like the lack of self-control, the lack of restraint, and the lack of patience. I also miss being connected with everyone, like I am when I don't feel this way.
Bah, I have hit a wall in my thinking. Only way to go now is in circles, until I can find the passage out.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Aside from the fact that I'm posting this at all, this is a good example of what I mean when I say "I am not me right now".
(Me talking: I'm sorry, I don't understand what that means.)
(someone tips 2 gold and I show off my ass.)
(Me talking: Is your spacebar broken?)
Lady_Luna: oldfun, can you not hear me?
also, do you know how to use the space bar?
or is your space bar broken?
Lady_Luna: alright, so I'm guessing you think I'm some sort of fembot and responses are not necessary
unfortunately, proper communication requires two participants
so, good luck finding a mindless fembot
(I ban oldfun)
I just don't have the patience for it, but honestly, I shouldn't have done that last bit. He did not need to be humiliated like that. At the same time, it really is annoying that I was engaging him and trying to establish some actual communication, and he was just ignoring everything I said, and everything I typed. still, when I recognized that he was not going to take anything I said under consideration, I should have banned without a word.
Gentlemen: if you want to see something from a camgirl and she's addressing you asking questions, it's a good idea to answer those questions. Here's how it could have gone:
(Me talking: I'm sorry, I don't understand what that means.)
(someone tips 2 gold and I show off my ass.)
(Me talking: Is your spacebar broken?)
(Me talking: ah, if you could put periods where there would be spaces, it would be easier for me to read it)
(Me: yes I do have stockings! it's 5 gold for me to put some on, or you can take me private and I'll wear them at no charge beyond the private.)
OR starting from:
Lady_Luna: oldfun, can you not hear me? (and me not putting the bit about the spacebar, cause I really didn't need to be that rude..)
Lady_Luna: okay, well, I'd appreciate it if you used spaces between your words. if your spacebar is broken, periods work rather well.
Lady_Luna: if you tip 5 gold I will gladly wear stockings, and let you pick them out! Or, you can take me private and I'll wear them at no charge beyond the private.
Of course, he probably wasn't going to tip or private either way, but still... I handled it badly. sorry.
This post leans heavily on the Jung Personality Types to explain some things about myself. If you do not know them, I suggest you look them up before reading further, but here's a brief explanation:
there are four parts to the Jung Personality, each of which has 2 possibilities, which yields 16 personality types. The four parts are:
Introverted vs Extroverted (I vs E)
Intuitive vs Sensing (N vs S)
Thinking vs Feeling (T vs F)
Judging vs Perceiving (J vs P)
The good tests recognize that you could be slightly to the one or the other, but not very much, and might have aspects of both sides of that part. But, it still places you in one or the other for all four. And each are always listed in the order given.
An introverted person finds dealing with people tiring, whether they enjoy it or not.
An extroverted person finds dealing with people energizing, whether they enjoy it or not.
An intuitive person favors intuition over their observations.
A sensing person favors their observations (senses) over their intuition.
A thinking person prefers to make rational judgements.
A feeling person prefers to make emotional judgements.
A judging person prefers structure and organization in their environments.
A perceiving person prefers open-ended and casual environments.
These are incredibly simplified. For a better explanation check out this page.
I am always introverted.
I will skip the middle two for now.
Judging and Perceiving swing back and forth for me, but I'm usually kinda strongly in preference for one or the other.
Now to the middle two. When I feel like myself, these two are N and F, intuitive and feeling. So when I feel like myself, I am INFP or INFJ. But, randomly, I'll switch. I never know which will switch first, but it starts with one, and then the other, will slowly rotate to the other side. When both are firmly in the other side, I become aware that I don't feel like I am me.
So what happens? Well, most people describe me as being bubbly, outgoing, kind, considerate, and a little air-headed. When I switch, I become bitchy, judgemental, impatient, hostile, and selfish. I hate being this way, but I don't know how to keep myself from switching. I have no way to predict when it's going to happen. Sometimes, it doesn't happen for three or four months. Sometimes, it happens every month or every other month. Sometimes, it comes in the middle of my normal times. Sometimes, it comes during PMS, sometimes, in the middle of Red Week, sometimes, in the tail end of red week and the start of normal times. I also have no way of knowing, once I recognize it, how long it will last. Sometimes, it's a week. Sometimes, it's a few days. Once, it lasted almost a month. I don't know what triggers it. I don't know how to switch back. I don't know how to tell it's happening until it's already happened. Examining it after it's in place sometimes reveals that I lost my feelings and started thinking heavily first, sometimes it reveals that I stopped being so intuitive and started paying more attention to facts first.
This is why I say I have a very changeable nature. The one thing that stays the same is that dealing with people exhausts me, whether I'm enjoying it or not. The factor that changes is how well I deal with people before I get exhausted by it. Think of it as having a short fuse vs having a long fuse.
But, right now, I'm an ISTP. I miss myself.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
My website, with the forum and everything, has been consistently viewable for the past couple weeks. Huzzah!
Now the only problem is how to make each part of my website show a different link... I will have to figure that out later. It's viewable, that's the important thing. Right? RIGHT!?!
I had a slight problem with spammers the other day, but my partner and I managed to fix it. I figured out what I did wrong when I tried to delete the topics of the one dude. I deleted all his posts, which deleted his post without deleting the topic, so the topic was still there with no posts under it. Thus, the "this post does not exist" message. WEIRD. My partner showed me the quick way to delete through the moderator control panel. HOLY CRAP moderators have a lot of privileges. Now I understand why Amber doesn't let anyone else mod her forum. That's a LOT of trust to put in someone.
Also, I could've sworn that privilege was spelled privaledge... hm... *wonders if a word changed spelling on her*
You can find my website at : http://ladylunasplace.seraphimlabs.com/ Don't be afraid to click any links on there, if it takes you away from the site it has target="_blank" .
Edit: That is no longer the correct link to my website. You can find the website at http://ladyluansplace.com/ . Thank you for your interest!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
So, I got an all-in-one for camming. The reasoning is that an all in one is almost as light as a laptop but is easier to get in the standards that camming requires. The horror is that the all-in-one uses Windows 8. OMFG this os is terrible!
First of all, they put the start menu into a whole new screen. I use the start menu a lot in normal computers. I put a ton of icons on it to keep them from cluttering up my desktop. I usually put accessories like paint, notepad, snipping tool, command prompt, and calculator up there. I also put the dick cleanup utility and the defragmenter up there for easy access. Lasly, I put document stuff like Libre Office Writer and Calc (the open source version of Word and Excel) up there, and use the "10 most recent items" jumplist to access the stuff I work on a lot in there. Then my start bar has the camera stuff and web browsers, leaving a few icons on my desktop like my computer, the main user folder, and any games I have installed. I also make the games menu a drop-down on my start bar for easy access to Minesweeper and soliatre, which I like to play while listening to youtube v-logs.
So now, instead of having a nice neat desktop, everything that usually goes on my start menu has been turned into an icon on my desktop, because I kinda need to access them without going away from the desktop screen if I happen to be camming at the time. Or watching youtube videos. Or writing... But it wasn't an easy task, getting them there. First, I had to add them to the start screen, then I had to right-click the start-screen icon and say "show in folder" or something like that. This took me to file explorer on the desktop, which works exactly like the normal file explorer on every other windows. Meaning, I right clicked and chose "send to desktop (create a shortcut)". Double checking proved that it did not create a shortcut to the shortcut cause numerous reroutes, it actually pointed to the same file the original shortcut pointed to. That's solved.
But my games, my beloved solitare, spider solitare, freecell, and minesweeper, are no longer available for the desktop screen. instead, they go to this horrible fullscreen version which doesn't let me do anything else without pausing the game, jumping to other screens, and coming back. (I will note, I have not tried alt-tab yet, but I doubt it will work.)
This is the most awkward thing I have ever tried to use. I just... ugh.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
So on ACF, a thread was posted. The initial post includes a penis picture, but if you want to see how it all played out, It's small, but it's cute is the thread in question.
First post text only (for those who don't want to see the pictures):
"I posted this because I'm proud of it and I'm not ashamed of having a small dick. I keep a positive outlook on it. I'd rather have this really tiny cock and be good at sex than have a big dick and suck at it. I'm so confident in it that when I'm doing bedroom business with my girl, she screams "fuck me with that small cock" I get more determined to fuck harder to satisfy her more. At the end of the day it's ok though because I may be the smallest, but I'm also the best a few girls ever had. Please comment. I'm sure I'll get insults too. Come on with it."
I honestly don't feel like it's as small as he thinks it is, but whatever. The point here is, that the forum decided to believe that he was looking for free small penis humiliation (aka sph). I didn't get that from his post, but they ran with that and turned it into an MLP thread (our way of saying "this thread is worthless"). My post was, "WHY? Why is the assumption that anyone who claims to have a small dick is looking for SPH?"
And I really do want to know, WHY is that the assumption? What if his real intention was to get his dick talked up? What if he just wanted to show that having a small dick can be a good thing too?
On the subject of size- anything between 4 inches and 8 inches is a good size to me. 4" can usually reach my g-spot. 8" is usually enough to be pushing the back wall in quite a bit. 9 inches? OUCH! My kidneys!
Less than 4 inches- yeah, you're going to have to work real hard for my pussy to feel that, unless I'm having a small day (which happens, where only the first couple inches will fit before a lot of work). BUT, I would LOVE sucking on it! I mean, looking at a small dick (attached to a grown man is already assumed) makes my mouth water and my fingers itch. I want to cup it. To stroke it. To tickle it with a finger, or the tip of my tongue. To rub my cheek against it. To kiss it. To suck it. That is my natural reaction to seeing a small dick. (when I'm in the whole mood of wanting to please dicks, that is)
My message to members:
If you want your dick to be appreciated, take me private and show it on camera. If you want to be humiliated, you're going to have to specify that before you show me, or I won't be able to do it. But I hate humiliating someone...
My message to models:
If you see a small dick, or a member refers to their dick as small, don't assume they're looking for SPH. There are plenty of guys with what they think is a small dick who aren't into being humiliated for anything, let alone something that they had no control over.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Something I learned a few years ago is that when you flush, you're throwing all that bacteria from the toilet into the air. Keep the toilet lid down, and it just gets on the lid, the seat, and on the very back of the toilet bowl rim (that spot right behind the seat between the tank and the bowl). Or all over your legs and ass if you're sitting on it. Ew, right?
Solution: force fields! Create a force field that won't let anything at all pass, and when the toilet is flushed, right before it starts spurting water put a force field in the bowl just above the jets of water. If you can make it a one-way force field so that stuff can still be thrown into the toilet, then you don't even have to set it to only activate while flushing. Just think, when you have a particularly lively trip to the restroom, you don't have to worry about back-splash!
I think this idea is genius, but it requires that they work on make force-fields compact and cheap. Then, it needs to be implemented in every single toilet in the world! Though, I figure, the first while, it'll just be a toy for the rich. Still, it'll make using and cleaning the bathroom a hella lot less disgusting, don't you think?