Step 1: Why does it happen?

I firmly believe that the first step in solving any problem is finding the cause to the problem. Oh, you might need to put some band-aides in place to stop the bleeding from the problem, but the problem isn't going to go away until you get to the root cause of it.

So, why do I become not-me? Well, people who know me rather well have a few theories:

Idea #1

Friend (paraphrasing):
"Maybe it's because you're always being submissive. You should take control more often."

Supporting evidence: I'm in a Dom/sub relationship, with a Dom. On camera, my aim is to please the customer, and since I'm not a mind-reader and SUCK at reading cues, this puts me in more of a submissive role more often. Among my friends, I'm really self-conscious and try really hard to please still, so submissive. There really isn't much in my life that I have complete control over.

Solution: Write more stories with me as dominant? Do more gold shows on Streamate?

Problems with the idea: The not-me episodes don't seem to correspond with my "I want to dominate!" moments. The "I want to dominate!" moments are rather fleeting, and really do subside once I do the domination fantasy writing.

Problems with the solutions: I tried writing domination fantasy this past week. My mind doesn't want to come up with any fantasy at all. When it does, I find I'm more interested in fantasizing myself being beaten and cut-up. Except, my conscious doesn't want that, so I'm suppressing my fantasies. Could that be part of the problem?

Gold shows don't work so well for me on a regular basis. I can't really sell them too well, and it feels awkward doing them for me. But, if a show for me is what I need to do, then it's what I need to do. So I guess I could try it.

Idea #2

Friend (paraphrased):
"We know that when two people hang out together a lot, one of them starts acting more like the other. I'm a lot like this, you're around me all the time, and you've been getting like this more often and for longer."

Supporting Evidence: aside from what is already mentioned in the paraphrased quote, the thinking is more in line with how that friend does think.

Solutions: embrace it, learn to harness it and control it.

Problems with the idea: I don't know of any.

Problems with the solution: only that if this isn't a permanent sort of change, then it might be impossible to do.

Idea #3

Self:
"This could just be the real me, suppressed for years by a desire to interact with people."

Supporting Evidence: as far as I can remember, this really is how I was when I was little. I mean, before I hit puberty, and before I started actively trying to make friends because I was told that having friends is a good thing. And because my greatest wish when I was little was to be more normal. Plus, if I recall correctly, this is how I get when I'm tired, and also something that has been popping out since college. I used to call it my "tiger self".

Solutions: dunno

Problems with the idea: The tiger self didn't quite feel the same.

Self:
"Or I could just be bipolar. I really don't want that to be the answer, but it is a possibility."

Supporting Evidence: certain biological family members who had bipolar disorder.

Problems with the idea: none that I can see

Solutions: get help

Problems with the solution: It's really hard to find a therapist these days who isn't TRYING to find something wrong with you. When I was younger, the therapists would spend half of the sessions reassuring me that there is nothing wrong with me, that what was affecting my family had no hold on me. If I go to a therapist now, and tell her "I think I might be bipolar, but when I was little I was being watched for it and they never saw it in me, so I'm not sure. I'd like you to make an objective assessment." what will happen? If they say I'm not, I'll be reassured. But if they say I am, then I'll always have this doubt in the back of my mind that they're just trying to make a sale of whatever drug they then prescribe. I mean, I could also be very insistent on "NO DRUGS." but... hm...

Besides, I don't have manic/depressive anymore. That seems to have just been the hormones from my birth control, and that's definitely gone. And the manic/depressive bit is gone too. So... not bipolar. Maybe multiple personality disorder? But, even though my memory of how I felt and thought during the other personality is difficult to find, and the memory of what I did is kinda fuzzy, it's still there. I do kinda remember it. I'm aware that I change personalities, I don't wake up wondering where I am and who is that.

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My partner wants me to maybe go with it, see if I can find a happy medium between the me and the not-me. Keep the parts of each that I like and control the parts that I don't like. I don't know if it's possible, but I'd like to think that it is.

I like the logical bit of the not-me. I don't like the lack of self-control, the lack of restraint, and the lack of patience. I also miss being connected with everyone, like I am when I don't feel this way.

Bah, I have hit a wall in my thinking. Only way to go now is in circles, until I can find the passage out.