Empathy

I am reading Sociopath World. The author divides the world into three types of people:

empaths, those who feel emotion, also called normal
narcissists, those who trick themselves into thinking they are normal, but aren't really
sociopaths, those who don't feel emotion, and recognize they don't, but mimic emotion

Myself, I would break the "empaths" into two groups: normal people and empaths. Normal people are normal. Empaths have a heightened emotional awareness, able to feel the connections with other people. Empaths are the ones where it's really hard to sneak up on them, the ones who know who is on the other side of the door or phone before actually looking. Empaths can look into a person's heart, and are really good at soothing away the bad emotions, usually by taking them into themselves.

To a sociopath, I doubt they could tell the difference between a true empath and the rest of humanity. But.. well, I think a sociopath is a good partner for an empath. With a normal person, an empath will constantly be inundated with another person's emotions. He or she has to learn to separate his or her own emotions from the outside emotions which want to sway him or her. I remember lying in bed below a fighting couple in the apartment above me and having to separate out their anger and pain so I wouldn't feel anger and pain for no reason. Their fight was done, they were asleep, but their anger and pain were growing inside them and invading me. But with a sociopath, I don't have to feel his emotions, I can just look at them, since they are only on the surface.

Of course, the partner must be a high-functioning sociopath. One whose wants don't conflict with society too much, one who makes the effort to have friends because they want friends, not just to manipulate them. And for an empath, having a sociopathic partner who gives off the false impression of caring by helping people is ideal. Is having a true empath around good for a sociopath? I don't know. I'd like to think so.

I'm sure there are more emotional classes of humans, but I think four covers everything I can think of.

Shel Silverstein

There's very little I remember about my time with my biological family. After all, it effectively ended when I was 6 and a half. I do remember an entire wall of bookshelves from the second house I lived in with them. The very first poetry I can remember being introduced to came from Shel Silverstein's collection. I believe those two books belonged to my mother, they were

A Light in the Attic
Where the Sidewalk Ends

My favorite was the one about the person being eaten by a boa constrictor. My second favorite was Hug O War.

As a college student studying to be a teacher, I was given The Missing Piece. I remember hearing about The Giving Tree, and seeing it somewhere. I know I've heard about Falling Up, and I think I've read it.

Honestly, I would say that Shel Silverstein is one of those must-haves for any parent of youngish children. By that, I mean 6-10. Those poems are great for a read-aloud, and it's important to read to your children. (I know, I've never had a child, but I was studying to be a teacher! Of course I had to learn what's important for a child's mind.) The stories and the poems of this author are awesome for opening minds and sparking imagination. What parent wouldn't want to give those two things to their children?

(Also, I'd love to buy the collection of books for myself... x.x)

The Correct Way to hang Toilet Paper

Toilet paper is a subject for which many people have a strong opinion. We have to use it all the time, so it kinda makes sense that people would have a strong opinion. For years, those who hang it to the front and those who hang it to the back have debated over which is the "correct" way to hang toilet paper. Good news! I have the answer that will end this heated debate!

Those in the "To the Front" camp are concerned with ease. It's so much easier to rip off a sheet of toilet paper without letting it trail all the way to the floor when the toilet paper is hanging to the front. So for a good portion of the population, to the front is the correct way to hang the toilet paper.

Those in the "to the back" camp are concerned with the toilet paper being played with and wasted on the floor. If you have pets or children, there is a good chance they will see front-hanging toilet paper as a free-for-all. So, for those with pets or children, to the back is the correct way to hang the toilet paper.

Further, most people grew up in a household with the toilet paper hanging to the back, because they grew up in a household with children, and usually pets as well. Therefore, most people are used to having to deal with tearing the paper when it is hung to the back. Thus, it's probably best if the world hangs their toilet paper to the back so that people don't get too used to the easy way to tear it and throw a fit when they visit friends with pets or children.

So the correct way to hang toilet paper is to the back, because that keeps the kids and pets out of it, and helps those who visit people with kids and/or pets will have to get used to it.

See, isn't that easy?

Personally, I don't really care about being correct in instances of opinion, so I'll continue hanging my toilet paper to the front, and grumble to myself when I visit family and friends. After all, they're doing it right :P

Hopefully the only Political Post I'll Make

There are four things a President can do when it's not wartime that actually affects how this country is run.

1. Suggest policy to Congress
2. Veto Bills Congress Tries to Pass
3. Appoint people to important positions within the white house
4. Appoint a new Supreme Court Justice if one of the current ones dies or resigns.

Everybody's talking about what Obama has and hasn't done, but what they fail to understand is that Obama CAN'T MAKE THE LAWS from the President's Chair. The President does not make laws. He suggests them, and he vetos ones that Congress makes and he doesn't agree with.

So, what has Obama *actually* done? He's actually done more than any other president within the small scope he legally claims.

Why am I against Romney? Well, if a Justice of the Supreme Court Dies, Women and Gay people are fucked for another... however long. Because right now, one new person for the Republicans will allow the Supreme Court to block abortion. And will allow the Supreme Court to block gay marriage, and gay right's movements.

What can Romney or Obama do for the health care? Pass or block a law congress puts in writing.
What can they do about the Economy? Pass or block a law that congress puts in writing.
What can they do about gun control? Pass or block a law that congress puts in writing.

What can they do about Women's Rights and the LGBT community's rights?
-Pass or block laws that congress puts in writing.
-Appoint Justices to the Supreme Court

And the most direct thing they can do:
-Appoint Women and LGBT people to offices in the white house.

So you see, everybody is so worried about how the President will affect the Economy or the Health Care industry. What you don't get, is that such things are mostly about Congress. The President can't do SHIT about those things if Congress doesn't write a law he agrees with. The Republicans like to blame the current health care bill on Obama. Well, yes, Obama signed it and pushed for it, but CONGRESS HAD TO WRITE IT.

If you elect Romney, here's what's likely to happen:
-The Rich will get more tax cuts, which will go into their savings accounts, yachts, houses, and such.
-The economy will continue to decline, because the middle class will still have no spending money (because Romney will block those bills)
-The Supreme Court might rule that states are allowed to outlaw abortion if they choose.
-The Supreme Court will probably not rule that gay people cannot be discriminated against in the workplace and while searching for apartments (did you not know? In some states, a person can be kicked out of their home for being gay. That's fucked up.)
-The Supreme Court will probably not rule that gay people can adopt, barring thousands of parents from adopting thousands of children.

If you elect Obama, here's what's likely to happen:
-Taxes will probably stay where they are.
-If Congress can figure out how to give the middle class some spending money, the economy can start to grow again (because Obama will sign those bills)
-More Women and openly LGBT people will be given the chance to show that they are just like everybody else, just as capable as everybody else
-The Supreme Court might rule that states must allow abortion clinics to continue
-The Supreme Court might rule that gay people cannot be discriminated against in the workforce and in a hunt for a home
-The Supreme Court might rule that gay people can adopt, allowing thousands of parents to adopt thousands of children

So there you have it.

Body Image

Like all women, I'm a little self-conscious about my body. I loved the way I looked when I first started camming, but I've been gaining weight. That wouldn't bother me, except for the other problems- the shortness of breath, the lack of energy, the lack of strength and stamina.

So when I say "I want to get in shape", what I mean is:
-I want to be able to dance through the night without running out of breath
-I want to be able to sing again
-I want to be able to lift the boxes that were slightly heavy two years ago and seem impossible now

I do not mean:
-I want to fit into my old clothes
-I want to be skinny/muscular/whatever specific physical appearance

Yes, I would love to fit into my old clothes, and I would love for my thighs to go back to not rubbing against each other, my ass-checks going back to being self-spreading. I'm not holding my breath over those things, and I'm not going to be upset if they don't happen. Instead, my goal is to simply keep myself from blowing up like a balloon, and failing that, I'd like to be in shape, if not a specific shape.

Tantric Sex- you mean, that's not just how it's done?

Every once in awhile, I get people asking about "tantric sex". It sounds exotic. It sounds like... work.

I decided to look it up. Google led me to the following article:

http://health.howstuffworks.com/sexual-health/sexuality/tantric-sex-dictionary.htm

"Tantra challenged the acetic beliefs of that time, purporting that sexuality was a doorway to the divine, and that earthly pleasures, such as eating, dancing and creative expression were sacred acts."

"Tantric sexual practices teach us to prolong the act of making love and to utilize potent orgasmic energies more effectively."

...

I been doing Tantric sex the entire time I've been sexual without even knowing it! I mean seriously.. when I have sex with a man, he is my god for that moment, and I am his goddess. We both do what we can to prolong the experience because it's so incredible that neither of us wants it to end. This is why I'm picky about my partners irl- I refuse to couple with anyone who won't take their time and do it right. Another requirement is some sort of mental/spiritual connection HAS to happen. And that's addictive. It also means that those men are left unable to couple with just anyone, because they start to need that deeper connection. I make sex special, and the men can't stand anything less than special anymore. (I'm not saying I'm the only woman who does, just that few do it naturally).

So yeah, "Tantric sex"? I thought that was just... sex, as it should be.

Move + car troubles = happy face somehow?

So, last week Wednesday, partner and I signed for a new apartment. We have until October 16th to get the old apartment emptied and cleaned. This means my cam-times are screwy, of course. And moving is expensive, stressful, and complicated.

On top of that, our car is throwing a hissy fit, so we have to pay to get it fixed. And I need my own car since he's gone most of the day for work and/or school.

Yet somehow, I feel good. I mean really good. Maybe it's because I've been focusing on positive instead of negative in my private life. Maybe it's because partner has stopped being an asshole and has become the support I need. Maybe it's because we're finally moving forward instead of staying stuck in our rut.

Anyway, we need money fast. So I'm doing an October video special. check it out on the other page. Payoneer will load in about 2-3 business days from when you send the payment, and then I can just go to the bank and withdraw most of it. Even though the money would be awesome sooner, I'm running this special for all of October, cause you guys are awesome and deserve a break.

The site I'm uploading them to has a 1 gb per file limit, but allows for zip folders, so I made movie packs. They are based on a group of vids that have similar themes, and the whole group of each is less than 1gb. Since my vids are all over the place in terms of size, this leads to very variable packages. I've tried to price them fairly.

Of course, donations with no video request are always welcome :)

In other news: GUILD WARS 2 IS AWESOME!

And I'm getting better at video games in general. HUZZAH!

My Reason

I don't know if I've ever put this out here. If I have, I apologize for the repeat post.

Some girls get on camera because they want to make money. Some girls get on camera because they need to make money and that's the only way they can. Some girls get on camera because they want to get paid for cumming. Some girls get on camera to chat with the guys.

Me, I get on camera to make men happy. I want to get paid to make men happy, but that's just because if I don't get paid for it I won't be able to continue doing it. I have to keep up electricity, heating, water, and internet in a secure place in order to cam. This means I have to pay for housing. I have to be able to feel sexy, otherwise I'll just be another pity case, which is not what I'm here for. So I have to keep up my hygeine, which means paying for cleaning products, toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, razors, bath soap, and hand soap. I also have to buy cute things to wear, because clothes don't last forever no matter how well you take care of them. Thus, I have to get paid for the time I spend camming.

But I'm there to make you happy. I'm there to make as many men happy as I possibly can. This also means that I have to continue to be capable of making men happy. Thus, I turn down things that would lessen my ability to please the next person who comes in. This means anything that would hurt me physically. It also means anything that would leave me crying. The object is for me to be physically and mentally healthy in order to be able to please you.

I call myself a submissive. I am submissive because my main goal is to please people. But since there's no responsibility for my safety on your end, I have to make sure I take care of me. Someone once told me, when I was burning myself out, that in order to please others I have to take care of myself, otherwise I'll end up not being fit to please others. So I do it. When I say "no", it's for a reason. That reason might be that it would hurt me. That reason might be because it would violate a site rule, and I can't afford to be fined, let alone banned, if they catch me.

There was another point to this.

I have a lot of guys get concerned about making sure that I cum. This is awesome and gentlemanly, but it's not the point of me being online. My point is making sure that you cum. If I manage to cum before you do, please don't end the show. I'm female, I don't lose a boner just cause I came. Meaning, I can keep going,  and build up to a new cum, if you want. I understand some girls won't do another cum in private, I'm not them. But honestly, some of my favorite privates, I was playing with myself but never came. I don't *need* to cum to feel that it was a good private, even if the private is a masturbation one. If you came, if you were happy with what you saw, I'm happy with what you saw.

Journey

I am embarking on a journey, of a sort. It's not a physical journey. It's somewhere between mental, spiritual, and emotional. It's a journey to change my view of myself, so that I can have a better life.

Since I was 5, I believed myself to be ugly, lazy, useless, incompetent, unreliable, and slovenly. A few years ago, selfish was added to it. I got that way by believing what others told me about myself, and by the way people acted towards me. Especially people who claimed they loved me (and I really do believe they do, and didn't realize what they were doing to me), but verified by strangers.

Camming has taught me that I do have physical beauty. But it's easy for me to believe that some people might find me beautiful, because I've never believed that physical beauty mattered. I have also believed one thing about myself that actually mattered: that I am honest. That's possibly why accusations of dishonesty hurt so much- they are an attack at the only thing I can find within myself that makes me a worthwhile person.

Part of me knows that I am not such a horrible person. It knows this because there are some very wonderful people who care about me, and how would they care about me if I was so horrible? But this is a very small part of me, most of me believes these horrible things about myself. So my journey is to change this.

My partner has said "Don't think about it as you have been lying to yourself. Think of it as you have been wrong. It's not as painful." And he's right. I haven't been lying to myself, I've just been wrong about myself. So I am working on this. Small goals that are easy to complete, like picking up all the clothes in the apartment, or taking a walk. As I do the activity, I tell myself "see, you aren't lazy", "See, you aren't a slob." The important thing here is that I tell myself it while there is evidence that it is correct. If I say it without there being evidence, it's too easy to refute. I've tried it before, and it did no good.

I'm writing this, because maybe it can help someone in some way. Maybe someone else is struggling with the same thing. I've only done this for a few days, but I already start to feel better about myself. It's already starting to work. So if you've tried positive thinking, but it wasn't working for you, try it my way. Do something that shows you that what you're trying to believe about yourself is true, while you tell yourself the thing you are trying to believe.

The other part of this, is when I mess up. When I do something that embodies the version of myself I'm trying to stop believing in. My goal is to pass it off. "I made a mistake, I'm only human" for mind stuff or "It's okay to take a break from it, that doesn't make it who I am." for physical things. And bringing up a counter-example of the good things I did before. Example: "It's okay that I didn't put the shoes away. I got the underwear and socks in the laundry basket."

Another reason I tell you all this is so that you understand what's going on with me. I might be a little distant while I work on myself, because this is kinda critical. I really need to work on this, and that means spending a lot of time alone, without talking to many people.

And yes, I'm well aware that this is an invitation for trolls to start trying to make me want to kill myself. Well, trolls, you're going to lose that fight. I've been trying to make me kill myself for almost a decade, and I haven't succeeded yet. If I, who know myself so well, can't do it, why would you? If you try, I will ignore you, and ban you, and remind myself that you're just jealous of the fact that I'm working towards making myself better. If I say anything, it will be something along the lines of "I hope you learn to like yourself better. Have a nice day."

Now to finish brushing my hair so I can get on camera.

Noises

There are many different noises a person can make that actually mean something. Here are examples of how I type these noises:

m- yes
mm or mmm- that's yummy/hot/sexy
hm or hmm- I'm thinking about something
n- I hear you, but I don't know what to say
hm?- I didn't quite catch that (usually if I think I misunderstood something)
oh?- I'm interested, tell me more!
oo- I like that!

note: if you've asked a yes or no question in the middle of our private/exclusive, and you need me to type my answer, I will use y and n as yes and no, but that's the ONLY time.