Journey

I am embarking on a journey, of a sort. It's not a physical journey. It's somewhere between mental, spiritual, and emotional. It's a journey to change my view of myself, so that I can have a better life.

Since I was 5, I believed myself to be ugly, lazy, useless, incompetent, unreliable, and slovenly. A few years ago, selfish was added to it. I got that way by believing what others told me about myself, and by the way people acted towards me. Especially people who claimed they loved me (and I really do believe they do, and didn't realize what they were doing to me), but verified by strangers.

Camming has taught me that I do have physical beauty. But it's easy for me to believe that some people might find me beautiful, because I've never believed that physical beauty mattered. I have also believed one thing about myself that actually mattered: that I am honest. That's possibly why accusations of dishonesty hurt so much- they are an attack at the only thing I can find within myself that makes me a worthwhile person.

Part of me knows that I am not such a horrible person. It knows this because there are some very wonderful people who care about me, and how would they care about me if I was so horrible? But this is a very small part of me, most of me believes these horrible things about myself. So my journey is to change this.

My partner has said "Don't think about it as you have been lying to yourself. Think of it as you have been wrong. It's not as painful." And he's right. I haven't been lying to myself, I've just been wrong about myself. So I am working on this. Small goals that are easy to complete, like picking up all the clothes in the apartment, or taking a walk. As I do the activity, I tell myself "see, you aren't lazy", "See, you aren't a slob." The important thing here is that I tell myself it while there is evidence that it is correct. If I say it without there being evidence, it's too easy to refute. I've tried it before, and it did no good.

I'm writing this, because maybe it can help someone in some way. Maybe someone else is struggling with the same thing. I've only done this for a few days, but I already start to feel better about myself. It's already starting to work. So if you've tried positive thinking, but it wasn't working for you, try it my way. Do something that shows you that what you're trying to believe about yourself is true, while you tell yourself the thing you are trying to believe.

The other part of this, is when I mess up. When I do something that embodies the version of myself I'm trying to stop believing in. My goal is to pass it off. "I made a mistake, I'm only human" for mind stuff or "It's okay to take a break from it, that doesn't make it who I am." for physical things. And bringing up a counter-example of the good things I did before. Example: "It's okay that I didn't put the shoes away. I got the underwear and socks in the laundry basket."

Another reason I tell you all this is so that you understand what's going on with me. I might be a little distant while I work on myself, because this is kinda critical. I really need to work on this, and that means spending a lot of time alone, without talking to many people.

And yes, I'm well aware that this is an invitation for trolls to start trying to make me want to kill myself. Well, trolls, you're going to lose that fight. I've been trying to make me kill myself for almost a decade, and I haven't succeeded yet. If I, who know myself so well, can't do it, why would you? If you try, I will ignore you, and ban you, and remind myself that you're just jealous of the fact that I'm working towards making myself better. If I say anything, it will be something along the lines of "I hope you learn to like yourself better. Have a nice day."

Now to finish brushing my hair so I can get on camera.