Last Time

I get performance anxiety.

Not with new guys, I can handle that. And not even with guys who've been there before who don't allude to the last time. It's with the guys who say "oh you were so sexy last time." Especially if I don't remember much about last time. Why? A bunch of reasons.

1. No two performances are ever exactly the same. So if they're expecting the same thing as last time, I can't guarantee they'll see that.

2. Many times guys will mistake me for other similar models. So it's possible that the last time they are thinking of wasn't me at all!

3. The human mind likes to twist memories, so it's entirely possible that this "last time" they are referring to wasn't actually as good as they remember it to be.

4. I doubt my ability to consistently produce a good product. I have off-days. So even if the last time was me, and was remembered faithfully... can I really live up to the expectations they have now been given from remembering that last time?

5. Sometimes, when a guy really liked the last time, they push a little too hard for it to come out the same way. Which of course kills the magic, since I work best with a little bit of spontaneousness in my shows. (I tried to spell spontinaity, but I don't know how.. x.x) The connection that I sometimes get with the guy on the other end is something that can never be forced, so if he's trying to force it, it just won't happen.

So when a guy makes a big deal out of how great last time was, it makes me uncomfortable, because I'm afraid I won't be able to live up to it for the next performance. Which, of course, means my next one is likely to be slightly wooden and formal, with a bunch of "I'm sorry, but I don't really remember last time. So let's just focus on here and now. What can I do for you tonight?"